by Andre Rex
Content Warning: mild reference to kink/adult content
When a vlog appeared called The Life and Times of Allan Mahoney, people immediately thought it was a joke. Some kind of parody account or a work of fiction or an art project maybe. But the man called Allan Mahoney assured everyone that it was not. He was here, he was real, and he had papers to prove it.
Allan Mahoney had just graduated with his Masters in Information Technology, a diploma he proudly showed off on the channel every chance he got. After so many years of online study, he felt like it was finally time to come forward. Time to speak out about his experiences. Time to focus on sharing information with the world on the platforms that he had so come to love.
As Allan Mahoney sat in front of the camera, in a sparse and rustic living room, wearing a simple button down polo shirt, he uttered the words that would make the account go viral.
“I am a Bigfoot.”
No one believed him. Not at first. He started out talking about his experience with enrolling in online school. How a friend of his – who would remain anonymous – had to assist with setting up human things like bank accounts and taxes. It’s how he started to work from home, designing websites, in an undisclosed location someplace in North America. He had satellite internet and he saved up for tuition for his IT degree. Enough to scrape through the process and come out the other side with a promising career.
The videos steadily grew into user requests of ways that he could prove this wasn’t a hoax.
“Alright, we have a request to see my eyes up close. Here we go. You can see these are not contact lenses, you would be able to see the edges if they were. Even with scalara, if I look this far to the side, you would see an edge.”
“A lot of you requested to see inside my mouth and to look at my lips. Those are my real teeth. Eeeeee, aaaaaah. I can pull on them, it’s not a special effects grill, it doesn’t come out. No glue or seams around my lips, you can see this is my real hair. This is my face, it’s not a mask.”
“People are saying now that I need to get in the shower to prove this isn’t a full body monkey suit, which… Wow. Rude. But here I’ve got an Amazon package, it’s swim trunks and some swimming goggles, let’s do this.”
“Of *course* a ton of you have requested this one. So. Here we go. Let’s get this over with. I feel like this should be on OnlyFans. Here they are. My feet. As you can see, they are real, I can wiggle my toes and flex all around, they are very real– oh, wow, my heels need some lotion, that’s embarrassing. I really should be charging you all money for this.”
But Allan Mahoney didn’t charge money for any of it. He did monetize his channel, but he said that wasn’t the point. Big media outlets reached out for interviews and he always declined any that would need to be in person. Video call only, always in his rustic little living room.
“I’m nowhere near ready to get on a plane, y’all,” he told one disappointed talk show host who dearly wanted him to be there in person. “We’re lucky if I get in the car.”
So many people asked, if not for money, if not for fame, why was it that Allan Mahoney decided to come forward? Why now? And every time he answered the same, “Because it’s time. It’s simply the time to do it. For the good of everyone.”
And just when that viral wave began to crash, when the attention of the masses began to waver from Bigfoot and turn to other things, a new vlog appeared. It was titled Sorry For The Mess. The first three entries went completely unnoticed for months, because they were 30 second long reels of darkness and jumbled sounds. Then an actual video dropped, still dark and grainy, but with two red glowing eyes visible, and a shape of wings.
“Attempt number sixteen,” the voice in the video said. “Hi. I’m Tracy. We really need to talk about the name Mothman…”
Copyright © Andre Rex, 2022. Originally posted in Avast Me Plotties Discord server and live podcast